Caprese Buckingheim

Caprese??? Like the Caprice Classic known far and wide across delinquent lower income African American neighborhoods around the country? No, says I. The actual pronunciation is kuh-pre-zee and I am sure you can all figure out the last name. I had to come up with another adequate last name given Stackerson was already claimed by another gentleman I cannot recall.

Anyway, Caprese is the offspring of a Bulgarian harlet and an Italian merchant who made a living in Milan trading various dry goods. While away looking for materials in the dregs of Eastern Europe, they met and spawned Caprese. In order to neutralize the cultural influence of his parents, Caprese moved to the South of France where he lives in a 2 man Coleman tent with aerobed and raises a number of goats to use for his own benefit as milk and meat, not to mention general companionship. He is a huge proponent of monogamy yet has not found the right lass to wrangle into his eternal clutch. He also like pistachios and yodeling. While he dreams of becoming a contestant on American Idle, he would gladly settle for a small role in Law & Order.

we should try this with our names:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UrBipr_pUdc

Post Turkey Day Tribute

The following names make me think of food, which is closely tied to this wonderous holiday we have just celebrated. Enjoy!

1. Rafael Bartellus
2. Tharold Karskadden
3. Josiah Breckinridge

This post is by no means high quality, but merely an icebreaker to the severe drought this blog has suffered in recent weeks.

Viceroy

Trifecta for the Week

The following three names will not have a summary to accompany them. The names are meant for entertainment to the degree that they are even remotely humorous. Much thanks to all recent contributors.

1. Damascus Matterhorn

2. Bartellus Pixelstick

3. Magratten Daggerlee

Fenix Rayne - it's where the bowling ball meets the road

Fenix grew up like most girls of her generation and to recount her childhood tales here would be a taxing and arduous task that I will not bore the audience with at this time. What makes her story so unique is her association with one of our very own authors. You see, Fenix (originally born Adeline Lafarian Myers) joined a bowling league in high school and excelled in the game so well that she was actually able to make quite a healthy living for herself. She began competing all over the world and as you may have already guessed, got mixed up with the wrong crowd in her travels (seems to be a trend actually). To describe how and under which circumstances the next segment of her life unfolded is altogether unimportant and, frankly, quite obscene...borderlining on pornographic. It will suffice to say that her new profession required a name change, which she made permanent several years later. It was supposed to be spelled without the "y" but there was an apparent error in the paperwork that she never bothered fixing because once everything was finalized, she realized she was really quite fond of its uniqueness. Fenix was, of course, more affectionately known as Miss Rayne and by the words in purple flashing lights on the front of her work building which said, "LET IT RAYNE". People would come from all over to "make it Rayne" while she danced from table to table and performed acrobatics that would put Cirque du Soleil to shame. Until one day.....

It was a clear summer night when that traveling road warrior on a lifetime quest for adventure walked in the doors and swept her off her feet. His name was none other than Napoleon J. Farewell, and as she jumped around his waist and took his shirt off in an effort to encourage the aforementioned "rayne," a conversation sparked and she discovered the largely unknown truth behind his middle name. You see, many people know it but few are aware of the proper spelling. So, as Napoleon Jaymes Farewell stared into her eyes, she donned his gift shop cowboy hat and did something she'd never done in all her years in the business. She offered him a 'two for one' and the rest, as I do believe they still say, is history. His voice could be heard even in the streets as he carried her off shouting "BUY ONE, GET ONE!!!" It was never a doubt in either of their minds from that day on that they were meant for each other all along. They still think back on the hours of intercourse (as in: conversation) they shared that night and occasionally drive by the old establishment which still bears the original flashing sign and a plaque commemorating her years of dedicated service. It reads: "To the Farewell's, you'll always be our Mrs. Rayne and we wish you both the best. But never forget, it's your turn to LET it Rayne!"

A Halloween Tale - The Life of La Dynasty

The anxious 3^rd year medical student rushed around the corner convincing herself that her next patient interaction would prove to her superiors that she was somewhat competent. Having just ‘mastered’ the English language since her move stateside for her college tenure from the Orient, many English nuances still eluded her comprehension. She stopped mid-knock in front of the hospital door taking one last moment to muster her courage and checked the name of the newborn she was about to examine – L-A-D-Y-N-A-S-T-Y.

She walked into the room and confidently asked, “Is Lady Nasty in this room?”

The tired, annoyed mother quickly retorted, “It’s La Dynasty.”

In that moment of electing to name her baby girl a name so easily misspoken, La Dynasty’s mother had set her on a path that a moniker such as Destiny or Beyonce’ would have not permitted so readily. Though there were some elder family members who would always have a chuckle at La Dynasty’s early birthdays from breaking up her name improperly, children in La Dynasty’s neighborhood wouldn’t have figured the not so cute way to rearrange her name out if it weren’t for their second grade teacher finally teaching them how to spell. While the children agreed to this lesson in order to create legible ransom notes from cutting out the proper letters from magazines and newspapers, they soon realized their God-given right…no, no – duty – to tease their classmate. This teasing was so relentless that it actually pushed La Dynasty’s class to new literary heights. By the end of the second grade, they were writing mocking haiku’s with accompanying ink blow art. Though we can not show the blow art as most of it was destroyed in the year 2021, we will share a sample of the haikus written:

What is that bad smell

Grab the hose and pinch your nose

It’s Lady Nasty

Children can be so cruel.

To go over the tragedy that was La Dynasty’s life in gruesome detail would bring most readers to tears. Suffice it to say the gang rape by her cousins at the tender age of 12 at the family reunion was not something upon which she reflected fondly (however, her auntie’s potato salad always brought her back those little get-togethers). We are going to flash forward to 2021 to the day we all appreciated La Dynasty’s mother lack of foresight or maybe her speckle genius that laid in the naming of her daughter. Lady Nasty had accepted her name to the point of carving her nickname into any jezebel who dare take her corner. Yes, we find our humble protagonist as most people would imagine where she would end up with such name - on a street corner hoping her souring milkshake would still bring some boys to the yard. Now these boys wouldn’t need to pay in cash to get a sample; Lady Nasty was very into meth at the moment as it permitted her to keep ‘lean and mean’ as she put it.

Maybe this ‘lean and mean’ attitude is what allowed her to survive the first wave of the alien invasion of 2021, or possibly being able to call in favors from about half the neighborhood is what lead to her survival. Regardless, she darted between houses avoiding the deathrays while still satisfying her customers whom she now required to pay in meth as any streetwise business women would do with the impending collapse of the economy. Humanity as a whole did not fair well in the ensuing battles against superior weaponry. This required Lady Nasty to travel further to reach her clientele to get her fix. One day as she strolled pass her old street corner and saw some floozy of an alien taking over (actually, it was a sentry guarding at her post, but that didn’t matter to a territory minded Lady Nasty). She leaped into the air, brandishing her syringe of meth, and with a battlecry of, “Oh, bitch, no!” pounced upon the slutty alien. What great last words to end one’s life; however, this was not the end of Lady Nasty, for within seconds the alien started to convulse as the alien’s physiology could not handle the drying effect of the drug. Lady Nasty had discovered why they invaded earth with a simple prick of a needle – our bountiful water supply. Soon, Lady Nasty led a small meth-bearing force and toppled the alien government. After years of drug warfare, humanity prevailed and elected Lady Nasty to be leader of the department of warfare. Many attribute her landslide victory to her slogan of “Oh, bitch, no!” which had come into common use during the war.

That’s what La Dynasty’s future would have held had it not been for that bumbling third year medical student’s mistake. But instead at the insistence of the family, La Dynasty’s mother changed her name to La-Dynasty. This prevented the children from teasing La-Dynasty for at least another five year’s as hyphens are hardly covered in the American education system. As for mankind’s salvation when the aliens decide to invade our little water bowl of a planet in 2021, maybe we will have to entrust our deliverance to the La-A’s (pronounced ‘ La Dash A,’ soft A at the end) of the world. My money is on the aliens this go around because what good ever came from the use of the soft a.

Jeantandra Sobieski (Black Russian)

Jeantandra Sobieski is nothing short of a melting pot of identities and flavors of the world. She grew up, the slightly obese daughter to her single mother Ritrausha Jackson. Her mother did what she could to raise young Jeantandra in the eyes of the Lord, attending church service each Sunday at Fifteenth Baptist Church on Oleander Drive in the outskirts of Detroit. These Sunday's were a good source of protein and stability from an otherwise hectic and sin driven life where she existed day to day.

After beginning Middle School, she began drinking alcohol to fit in with the kids she would often refer to as friends. They spent their days drinking magical elixirs of Sprite and cough syrup. In more civilized parts of the country, this elixir later became known as Purple Drank. She had a distaste not only for the misspelling of the second word of the drink her friends were consuming but also felt unproductive by the haze it left her to conquer the next day. Knowing that to maintain her friends she had to continue drinking, she began searching for alternatives.

When at lunch after church one day, there were alcoholic beverages available for the adults. She came across a White Russian and crept away to her bedroom where she would indulge in this fine beverage. She was hooked, not only because of the taste and outcome from its consumption but also because it had the word Russian in it. She was, at that time, enrolled in a Geography class in school that spent time teaching about the Baring Strait leading from Alaska to Russia, an area that when frozen would allow for the safe passage of Natives back and forth. She grew infatuated with Russia and began to read books and study maps of the country. She took comfort in learning about their tolerance and enjoyment of alcohol. This camaraderie, she felt was a match made in heaven.

Her infatuation with Russia and the dainty alcoholic beverage bearing its name could not be surpassed by her infatuation with Kanye West. She used to fantasize about seeing Kanye live at a concert and often would run her iPod battery dead in a single sitting by listening to Heartbreak 808 on repeat until waking the next morning. It was late one winter of her junior year in High School when her grandfather passed away unexpectedly. They were not very close but he did leave her $7,000 in his will. She knew immediately what she would do. First of all, she had to go to see Kanye perform. The time had come for her to see her idol live. She began the search for venues and found that he would be performing in Moscow in the Spring. This was perfect, she booked a flight and began to plan the details.

Her Russian journey was eyeopening to say the least. She found out the real story behind the White Russian and loved the drink even more than before. The concert was amazing and could not have been any better in her book. When in a bar after the concert one night she ran into a young man, who was stunning to the eyes of both man and woman. His name was Vlad Sobieski. It was only weeks later that Jeantandra realized that he was heir apparent to the Sobieski Vodka empire. They were in love, grew closer, and were determined to be wed. Their love for alcohol and gold plated accessories left them with little time to indulge in disagreements so common in other relationships. She never moved back to America.

Apologies for the length...and complete irrelevance to anything

V-roy